Be Mindful (Guideline for Effective Listening)

One concept from throughout the semester that I feel can be used in further discussion is to be mindful in terms of when it comes to guidelines for effective listening. It is central to effective listening. According to our text, "mindfulness is a choice to be wholly present in an experience. It requires that we put aside preoccupations and preconceptions to attend fully to what is happening in the moment"(Wood, 2010, pg.164). I feel and believe this concept is one I will use on a daily basis now and for the future because as we learned in the text, listening is just as important even more important than talking. I have always been the type of person who always likes to talk and I also like to listen, however I am not that great of a mindful listener. I feel there are times depending who I am talking to and who is talking to me, I may not be fully paying attention to everything they are saying. That can sometimes lead to conflict or confusion because that person may have said something really important and because I was not mindfully listening, completely paying attention to what they were saying, I missed out on something that either could have been helpful to know or something that was important to that person and it seemed as if I ignored them, which is not the case.

I want to become a more mindful listener because if I am not fully present in the moment, in the future if I am at a job and someone important is talking for example, I may end up missing an important point they made because I was not fully (mindfully) listening.

I think if maybe if this was emphasized more by doing an activity or assignment where we could test ourselves by conducting an experiment on if we listen to a conversation or a speech or lecture mindfully versus take part in certain nonlistening tactics, to see the difference and compare and contrast them, and to see what works and does work. Overall, I feel listening is a crucial element in any given relationship.

Favorite vs Least Favorite Thing About Class

My favorite thing about this class was actually more than just one thing. I really enjoyed the weekly posts and being able to see what my colleagues had to say about each topic and question and being able to receive feedback from three different colleagues something I enjoyed. I thought the three different papers all provided different information and aspects on interpersonal communication and how human relationships vary from cultures, how they are in our own lives, and how they can be perceived in the media. I thought all three papers provided insight on how relationships develop and how through different relationships poses different challenges, as well as positive occurrences as well.

I do not have a least favorite thing about this class, however I believe this class can be improved by if one of the paper assignments could be a group project, or a partner effort or if we had an assignment that required collaboration with another colleague(s) because that way we could also use and develop the interpersonal communication skills from our class with our colleagues as well. That is the only thing I felt how this class can be improved, otherwise I like and enjoyed this class as it is.

What I've Learned From This Class

Over the course of the semester, I have learned so many new concepts about communication and human relationships in regards to interpersonal communication. I have learned more than just the basics of interpersonal communication which was great because during this semester I was also taking an interpersonal communication. So it was nice to be able to relate back and forth between both of the courses and compare and contrast and see what was similar about interpersonal communication. I learned about communication and personal identity and what the self is. I learned and perception and communication and how perception is influenced. I discovered the difference between verbal and nonverbal communication, and the different types of each. I especially enjoyed the chapter on mindful listening because in this chapter, forms of nonlistening were discussed as well as guidelines for effective listening which was a great resource and tool for me to be aware of since I have been working on my listening skills for most of my life. I like to listen however, have had a hard time at times of taking place in selective listening, and that is something I would like and have improved on since taking this course. I have also learned in depth about emotions and communication which was also a helpful tool because there are many times I out someone else's emotions before mine because I pay attention to how someone may feel or what their emotions are, and from this chapter I was able to gain being in tune with my own emotions. I have also learned about managing conflict in relationships, as well as friendships in our lives, committed romantic relationships, and communication in families which all helped me to be able to improve my relationships within my family and friendships.

Overall, all the concepts from this class I have learned throughout the semester, I will and have applied to my daily life and will continue to.

Launching Children

A concept I found interesting and helpful from this week's reading is launching children. When a couple is married and have kids, their primary focus on what they do and talk about are no longer about just the couple, their lives center around their children, especially from when they are babies until teenagers even to adulthood. Whether it is talking about school, sports practices and games, the couple's primary focus is on their kids. In the stage of launching children, the family is focusing on launching their children into the world, such as helping them move away to college or even if they go to a college near home, their children are no longer as dependent on them as they used to. They become more independent from their families, and learn to make a place for themselves in the world. This is when the parents have more time for themselves and their jobs and activities and they become a couple again, before they had children. However, this also depends, if there are younger children, then the family focuses on whoever is at home at the time. It is important during the launching children stage that the family still stays a family.

For example, I know of besides my family, another family where there are two boys, and a girl. The girl and older boy have now completed college and the baby of the family is in his second year in college. I know of the middle child from college and he plays a sport I tend to watch at school every year, and every time I would be at a game last season, I would usually see him mom and older sister and depending on the day and game, the father and younger brother. I was amazed at how tight knit of a family this was. I know the middle child, went to junior college before he transferred here to state, and even though he attended here, he commuted from home which is about a fifteen minute drive. His family was as close as they were when their kids were younger. I really value that, and even though the parent's primary focus is on their kids and their sports and school life, they still manage to keep their marriage happy and healthy. They are just like my parents. Where even though they have and are experiencing launching of children, they still manage to keep their marriage alive, and healthy. They have a balance of their kids needs and their own.

Marriage Over Time

Decades ago, people got married for convenience, where the females could have even been sixteen years old and the make may either have been the same age or even a decade older than them. Also before the 21st century, and our society becoming more liberal, marriage was based as an institution for one and one woman, and same sex couples were not accepted nor were they as common in society as they are now. Today, not only are same sex couples being able to become married, they are also more common, and more heterosexual couples are becoming divorced. We hear today that close to or even more than fifty percent of Americans are divorced.

Fifty years ago, marriage was valued as said when people state their vows, for better or for worse, till death do them part. People stuck to their wedding vows, and valued their family, and their marriage, it was considered a total marriage where the couple is together however not all the time. The man would be off at work doing his thing during the day, and the woman would be at home taking care of the home and kids, and doing their thing. Today, women are able to be more independent and have just as authoritative positions as men do. Based on cultural trends and evolving values of our generation, over the next fifty years, I predict the changes in marriage will and may be that non same sex couples will be able to get married in almost or all the fifty states and not just a few as they are now. Hopefully more heterosexual couples will not be divorced, in other words, the fifty percent of those who are will drop by ten to thirty percent or so and people will utilize more marriage counselors. Marriages in fifty years to me may also look like total marriages so that way the couple will have a balance in their lives and their love will last longer or for as long as they both are alive. I am hoping in fifty years, marriage may be able to be what it stood for fifty years ago, where couples stood by each other for better or for worse, and they stay together, so they turn the 21st century into, the generation that grew out of its own stages and used what was known in past generations, today, and for the future what can make a marriage work.

Family

I define family by whether it is a group of people or even two people who care for each other, and support each other, and love each other no matter what happens. It could be a family of four where there is a married couple, male and female with two kids, or two females and a child, or two males and a child, or just two females or two males. To me, family members are always there for each other, especially in time of need, they support one another through thick and thin, and they love one another day in and day out, now matter what happens each day, each person in the family knows that everyone in their family will love them and support them, even if they don't, they will still back them up and be there for them, because that's what families do. They stick together through good and hard times.

In the types of relationships discussed in the text on pages 308 and 309, I feel that total marriage fits in my definition of a relationship because in a total marriage as the text mentions, that the relationship is similar to a vital marriage where the individuals are there for each other, and like being around each other, and look forward to being with one another, however in a total marriage, each person has separate interests and do not have to always be around each other. Out of the rest of the relationships discussed such as passive-congenial marriage where partners are polite and interact, however their relationship is based off of sources such as pleasure and satisfaction, I have heard of those relationships and they can be common, however I would not define a relationship at least a successful relationship to be of that type. A devitalized marriage from what I have noticed in movies, and in the media, and from others I know of, are common with couples who have been married for awhile, or for those where one partner is always busy with work or their kids, and do not find time to spend with each other and they feel neglected which sometimes can lead to boredom and also affairs or divorces because there is no more spark in the marriage. Also, in conflict-habituated marriages which I have seen are also common relationships, the partners stay together only solely on the basis for either children, or financial reasons, however they are no longer compatible. An example of this type of relationship I wanted to mention is in the movie This Christmas featuring Chris Brown, Regina King, etc. Where one of the sisters in the family is married to a man named Malcolm, they have two kids and she is a stay at home mom where her husband is working all the time. They only got married in the first place because she became pregnant with her first child and they felt the right thing to do was getting married. However, after being married for about over a decade, the husband had been cheating with her from a lady from work, and the wife finally realized their marriage was no longer a marriage, they were no longer partners, that everything he said was a lie, they were no longer compatible so they ended their relationship and got a divorce and the wife was going to go back to school, get a degree, and be a single mother.

Family can be defined in different and multiple ways and each person has their own definition of what a family can be as the text also mentions. The definition of a family has changed over the past decades, and will continue to change as our society changes, and grows. However, it is important to not lose our own interpretation(s) of what a family is and means to us, because family is what keeps us going, whether it is parents and kids, friends with friends, or a combination, they are the people who know us best, and there is unconditional love, and no one and nothing can change that.

Relational Culture

When developing a romantic relation sip(s), it is important to be aware of how to navigate the relationship, meaning to maintain a healthy relationship by having effective communication with your partner, and take care of any unresolved issues that may be taking place. Under navigation,an interesting and helpful concept I found is the concept relational culture which "is a private world of rules, understandings, meanings, and patterns of acting and interpreting that partners create for their relationship"(Bruess & Hoefs, 2006;Wood, 1982,2000a, pg.286). In other words relational culture has to do with unwritten rules that partners make in their relationship. It could include how a couple manages the way they speak to each other, for example they make sure they are open with each other on what is on their mind and going on in their life. It may also includes rules and rituals as well such as relating to how they communicate their anger, sexual interest, values, traditions, etc.

An example of relational culture reflecting in a relationship is with one of my good friends and her boyfriend. They both know what upsets each other, so they have their own ways of communicating when they are upset, bothered, or excited about something. Part of their relational culture is that neither of them have a social networking profile because that way, it lessens both their chances of being willing to talk to other people as far as opposite sex wise. They both also get suspicious of the other if one of them does not contact them at the certain time of the day like they do on a daily basis. I find their relational culture fascinating because I could and would never be able to have the same relational culture in my relationship. Relational culture depends on each relationship and it is different for every couple.

Experiencing Love or Commitment in a Relationship

I personally have never been in a relationship just because I have not met someone who I feel can and will be willing to handle me, and understand me, and we have similar interests, plus be committed as well. I will however, use an example of one of my good friend's past relationships where commitment was present, however love was not. My friend was with a guy for almost four years, and they had a lot in common, their relationship seemed great, they both were family oriented which is very important to both of them. However as the fourth year approached, my friend noticed that her and her boyfriend were distant, that they were arguing more than they used to, that whatever spark they had, was gone, and that she felt his distance lead to him not caring and loving her anymore. She ended up breaking up with him because of all their disagreements especially ones that involved their families plus she suspected he cheated on her. She found out a few months later, he never cheated on her, however his love for her, was no longer there, and vice versa.According to our text on styles of loving, my friend and her boyfriend experienced the secondary style of love pragma which means practical love. Which means "pragmatic lovers have clear criteria for partners, such as religious affiliation, career, and family background" (Wood, 2010, pg.281). My friend and her boyfriend ended up becoming in a relationship because they had those things in common, and they ended up going to the same college for a few years as well. However, those things they had in common are also what made them grow apart, and their love for one another, to grow apart as well.

What I can conclude on the impact of each is that although commitment can be linked to love, it is not the same thing as love. As the text also mentions. Love is a feeling based on all the time and effort we put into someone. For example, one of my other good friend's has been in a relationship with a guy for almost a year now, and if it was not for her love for him, they would no longer be together. They have broken up a few times, however it did not last for more than two days because they both really care and love each other. They are both also committed to the relationship, however she feels at times, she is putting more effort into their relationship, and is more committed than he is. Love and commitment are two important things in a relationship, without one, I do not think a relationship will be able to last. I feel and believe both are needed to have a functional relationship. That is why I have never been in a relationship because I have not met a guy yet who I feel both ways we can be committed to each other and also love each other. I find both qualities imperative for relationship to work and be successful.

Deception and Misrepresentation in Online or Face-to-Face Interaction

Since the 21st century has been around, there has been a rise of online romances because there are matchmaking sites that are growing daily. From eHarmony, to match.com, people are meeting, mingling, and falling in love, more often from online communication versus face-to-face interaction. Nowadays, people may be shy to go on blind dates or pick up someone at a bar. So individuals who are looking for love, use the internet to try to meet a potential mate for either themeselves or their friends. However, the disadvantages of online communication versus face-to-face communication is that someone's identity may not be what they may be claimed to be, for example a man may be posing to be a female, or a female a male. Another disadvantage or deception and misrepresentation can be that people can use outdated photos or photos of other people and they may also lie about their sex, race, and other forms of identity according to our text on page 278. In face-to-face interaction, people are able to see someone in person and they will know for sure what their race is, their sex, unless it is hard to tell, however online we may never know if someone is lying or not unless we conduct a credit and background check on them. Also as the text also mentions, it is hard to judge some aspects of chemistry without meeting face-to-face.

I do not think it is ethical for people to represent themselves inaccurately because they are deceiving people. However, it depends how they are misrepresenting themselves. If they are using outdated pictures of themselves or someone else's picture, then I do not think that is ethical at all. They are lying to the other person and are deceiving them. I think deception is likely to happen in both online and in face-to-face interaction, however I would say it most likely occurs more in online interaction because people can lie about their age, sex, etc. Rather in person, people cannot lie about those things since we are able to see them, in person they can lie about their job, or their lifestyle, and people can also lie about those in online interaction as well.

Role-Limited Interaction

A concept I found interesting and helpful in this week's reading was role-limited interaction which is when we might meet someone and we may become friends or acquaintances however due to not being able to see them often, we are unable to establish much of a bond with that individual. We are polite to one another however we "do not have enough personal knowledge of each other to engage in dual perspective, they tend to rely on general scripts and stereotypes" (Wood, 2010, pg.260). An personal example of a role-limited interaction is that there is this guy that I have known of for a little over two years now since he transferred here to state and he is about to graduate this fall. I have seen him a few times each semester on campus and when we see each other, we give each other a hug and have a conversation that lasts no longer than a few minutes. I know of him because he played on a sports team here that I help out with their events they have over the year and I have ran into him at those as well. We talk online here and there as well, however we still do not have each other's numbers, have never hung out, yet as the years have progressed, when we see each other, we are more comfortable around one another and we talk online more than we did a year ago. I have mentioned to hang before however since he commutes from a city that is about 15 minutes away and is on campus twice a week, and the days I do not have school, our schedules conflict, so it is hard to see each other. Our interaction with each other is limited. I am not sure if this is a hopeless situation or not. I would like to get to know him better, however am not sure if that is possible also if he would be willing to make the time as well.

Trust, Acceptance, and Closeness

I have a few very close/ best friends. I used to think that there is that one best friend and a few very close ones, however as I have gotten older, I feel I don't just have that one best friend, I have two to three best friends. All three I have known for a different amount of time. The one I have known the longest, our frendship has developed over time, especially when we entered college because we both grew up. However, the friendship I want to discuss further is with a girl I met last fall when she transferred to state, and we have been best friends ever since. This girl and I started talking in a class we had together last fall one in which she was not even in my major, she just needed the class as a requirement for her own major. We gradually got to know each other, and before we knew it, we were keeping in touch on a daily basis. We are able to be honest with each other, have a lot in common, we're like twins even though we don't seem like it. We both like different things, however we do have similar goals and aspirations and are both very motivated and persistent when it comes to going after what we want. We make sure we are always honest with each other, even if the other will not like the truth. One time she had done something that she thought would upset me however because she told me the truth, I was grateful that she did, and was not upset with her at all because I understood where she was coming from. How we build trust, acceptance, and closeness is by recognizing each other's differences and accepting and embracing it. We tell each other basically everything, how our day's went, what's going on in our lives? I tell her that anything and everything she ever discusses with me is not only confidential however it is also important because I value her as a person and her friendship. Good friends, especially best friends do not come easily in life, and when you find someone who understands you and you can tell them everything and anything, and you are able to trust them, and they accept you for who you are, and you are still able to remain close, that is a true friendship right there.

The dynamics of our friendship are consistent with those identified by researchers as discussed in this chapter such as when it comes emotional closeness through doing. For example, as the text states, "we reveal ourselves and learn about others by doing things together" (Wood, 2010, pg.254). When one of my best friend's and I first met and were getting to know each other (same girl I discussed above), the one thing we would do every week or every other week, is bake some type of dessert at her place and that washow we got closer,and bonded. There was and never is a dull moment. We always find something to laugh about, to talk about, to find more about. As the text also mentions, when it comes to acceptance, we expect friends to accept us, even for our flaws. We both accept each other for who we are and are patient with each other. However, we do tend to talk about how we have a hard time accepting how others in our lives act and are. Same goes with trust. We both rely on each other to be completely honest with each other and I noticed because we are honest and respect each other, that is how our friendship has developed because we are polite with each other as well. We are comfortable with each other however at the same time, we still make sure we use what our parent's taught us in form of manners, and by always each other, how they are doing, or we thank each other for asking how our days went. I believe it is important for all friendships and relationships to include closeness, acceptance, and trust because without either or one of these elements, a frienship or any other type of relationship, may be lacking a important quality that can help a friendship grow, and develop.

Friendship page vs. friendship discussed in text

Under the Friendship page, viewers are able to receive frienship advice, with topics such as problems with friends, making and keeping friends, friend needing support, and friendship discussion and ideas. There are also various topics such as more than friends advice where people can check and get clarifications on how to know if it is more than friends, on their sexuality, and relationship advice and there is also life advice offered as well. When it comes to the extent of the issues raised in the advice forum reflecting challenges to friendship discussed in the chapter, an example can be how in the forum under pressures with friends, there are different questions and concerns addressed such as if their losing their best friend, if there's an emotional distant friend, rekindling friendship with a girl if it is a male, etc.

A prime example of a comparison with the forum and the text is on pressures on friendships under sexual attraction. A male in the forum addresses his concerns about dating one of best female friends then they broke up, and they both mutually decided they were best as friends. He wants to surprise her with a video game she had been wanting and wasn't sure if it was cheesy or would be awkward or not. As the text suggests under sexual attraction, "sexual attraction can cause difficulty between friends. Friendships between heterosexual men and women or between gay men or lesbians often include sexual tensions" (Wood, 2010, pg.265). The challenge mentioned in the forum is that this male and female were at a party after their break up and they were back to being friends again and they were both having fun with each other and they missed old times. They looked at each other as brother and sister. The text states, that there is usually sexual tension between friends, or there could be, however with this friendship there is no longer sexual tension, it is just hard for these two because they are doing their best to rekindle their friendship and it seems as it is working.

Respond Constructively to Criticism

Under guidelines for creating and sustaining healthy climates, the concept I found interesting and helpful is respond constructively to criticism. In any relationship, there are positives and negatives. An event that could lead to tension and conflict in a relationship is when we criticize the other person. However, it is important to seek information when we are criticized, and to consider it thoughtfully as the text states. Usually when one is criticized for a certain behavior or action, they get defensive. That is why as the two constructive responses I mentioned above are crucial in leading us to respond constructively to criticism is very imperative. For example, I tend to be criticized for not being able to take a compliment. I love to give them, however when it comes to receiving them, I do not do so well so people have mentioned that to me before. The first few times I heard it, I was thinking that is semi true, and partly false. However, a few times more that I was criticized for it, it made me think twice. So now if that happens, I ask those who told me, if they can elaborate on why they feel that is a true and valid accusation they are stating and then I thank the individuals for helping me to improve myself and my habits. It is always to be aware of our habits and what bothers or may offend others we are around. Criticism is never an easy thing to go through or actually critique, however no one is perfect in life, so there is always room for improvement in everyone and everything. That is why I found this concept to be very helpful and interesting because I can use the knowledge from this concept in our text and apply it to my every day life.

Interaction Where Felt Disconfirmed or Defensive

I can think of a variety of interactions my freshman year of college when I lived with seven other girls and I felt disconfirmed or defensive or even both. The main interaction I can think of where I felt disconfirmed and defensive was when a few of my suitemates (roommates) were in a heated argument over something that was not even important and the three girls that were involved in it, brought be into it, when I had nothing to do with it. Turns out my own roommate who was trying to play the mediator of the argument, told me one of my other roommates had said all these negative and harsh comments about me about my friends and people I knew. I found out within a week that that the roommate who had talked to my friends and others about me had squewed the whole thing, and put words into the other individuals mouths just so she can make me feel bad. Going back to the heated argument, that same suitemate had accused me of something that I had not done, so I felt defensive because I also felt disconfirmed meaning she made me feel unimportant, and uncomfortable which led me to feeling defensive as well since I was on guard and not able to be open with my suitemates. The other girls were either attacking ot pretending to understand where I was coming from. At the end of the day, I came to the conclusion that these girls thrive on drama, and become jealous easily.

Under Gibb's defensiveness-producing communication behaviors, I believe I can identify as present in this situation are neutrality and superiority. I would say neutrality is one of the behaviors because I felt defensive when one of my suitemates was responding to me and the other girls in a neutral or detached manner as the text states. I felt she did not really care about how we felt, she cared to just hear all the drama going around and she would play the neutral one and she woould get information from both sides then tell each individual what she heard the other people saying about them. I would also say superiority took place as one of the behaviors as well because the girls who started all the drama and arguments felt that they were better than everyone else in the suite, as if they mattered more. I did not care they felt that way, it was just sometimes it was hard to not feel on guard when the girls were behaving in such a way.

Overall, I learned from this experience living with seven other girls, that when you put different people with different personalities to live in one place for a year, be prepared to have to learn to stick up for yourself and not let what other people say, dictate how you feel about yourself.

Confirming Others

No one ever agrees one-hundred percent of the time with somebody else since we are all entitled to our own opinion and have our own ways of thinking. I will admit for me personally, I have never experienced on finding it difficult to confirm with others when I disagree with them because I understand people have their own opinions and we will never agree on everything, however we can usually find a middle ground. If and when I have disagreed with someone, I acknowledge their beliefs and opinions, and voice mine, however depending on the person, I usually try to understand where the other person is coming from and sometimes agree with their statement. However, if I would to ever experience having a hard time confirming with others when I disagree with them, reading this chapter has helped me distinguish between recognition, acknowledgment, and endorsement because I learned more in depth how to recognize that another person exists, to acknowledge of what another individual feels, thinks, or says, and to endorse which involves accepting another person's feelings or thoughts.

I do believe I can distinguish between confirming others as people and endorsing particular ideas because confirming has more to and relates to seeking if something stated is true and endorsement involves accepting another person's thoughts or feelings. They both can go hand in hand in any given situation however one has to do with the truth where the other has to do with accepting another individuals thoughts or feelings as I mentioned above.

Social Expectations

One of the concepts from this chapter that I found interesting and helpful was under obstacles to the effective communication of emotions and reasons why we may not express our emotions is because of social expectations. In society, men and women have this certain expectation when it comes to emotions and communicating them. Men for example are taught and learn from a young age that crying or showing they are sensitive makes them less of a man that it shows that they are weak. Women at a young age learn and are taught that being a female is all about showing and sharing emotions and how they feel however that they never want to be violent. Men on the other hand express their emotions through violence. Women are also known and expected to be the ones who care for everyone that they are the thoughtful ones. I thought this concept was good to be aware of because on a daily basis I experience or see how whether it is in the workforce or school or in public at a restaurant or coffee shop, men and women are expected to behave in terms of their emotions in a certain way and if they violate that norm then they are looked at in a different way and are usually looked down upon for doing so.

Taking responsibility for others

Of the Figure 7.7 on Common Fallacies about Emotions, I found that the fallacy that shows up in my intrapersonal communication is taking responsibility for others which according to the text is "thinking you are responsible for others' feelings, guilt for how others feel, and deprives others of taking responsibility for selves" (Wood, 2010, pg.189). I feel this fallacy shows up in my intrapersonal communication because in any relationship I have even with acquaintances or even in a professional setting I feel whenever something goes wrong or something negative occurs in something I am a part of, I feel it is my fault when really it was the other individuals fault and I just feel the need to take the blame. I also may feel guilty for how others feel without realizing I cannot control how someone else feels, only how I feel and think about something. An example of this fallacy was when I interning last semester for this organization and one time a fan made me feel it was my fault for something that occurred when really it was their fault. However, I took the approach on the inside that the customer is always right no matter what the case and we just have to suck it up and take the blame and try to make things right so the other person does not have to worry about taking responsibility for their actions and for selves. I believe I can monitor and revise my intrapersonal communication by knowing I am not always the one to blame such as having a guilt complex. I need to know we are all human which means people do make mistakes and that I need to not feel the need to take the blame for something that was not my fault and that people need to learn to start taking responsibility for selves.

Physiological and Social Influences on Emotions

I felt the combination of physiological and social influences on emotions make most sense to me because I am able to relate to both of these influences on emotions. For example, according to the text, "physiological influences are when we experience emotion when external stimuli cause physiological changes in us" (Wood, 2010, p.176). The example in the text is when we get a test back and we receive a low grade, we tend to get that knot in our stomach because that is our bodily reaction to psychologically feeling bad. Or when we like that cute girl or guy and we run into them and we completely blow it with them on a conversation, we have that feeling inside that we know we messed up and wish we got a second chance to do it over. Social influences on emotions mentioned in our text are the "groups we identify with emotional communities because they teach us how to understand and express emotions" (p.176). This leads into the interactive view of emotions which "proposes that social rules and understandings shape what people feel and how they do or don't express their feelings" (p.176).

I feel I can relate to physiological and social influences on emotions because they both have are what influence how I feel about people and situations I go through on a daily basis. For example, I experienced both last night when I was with a few members from my organization where we were at a mocktails event on alcohol awareness at a fraternity house. There were about 70 students there and I have spoken in front of that many people before however, never had to say as much as I was supposed to last night. When it came for my turn to speak which I only really had four minutes to get my point across, after I concluded my part, my team lead and I noticed I have forgotten to mention a few things. I felt during the whole fifteen minute presentation I thought all the students just couldn’t wait for us to leave, so I tried to get my information across in a timely manner, and I kind of froze when I started talking and didn’t get to mention everything I was planning on saying. Afterwards I felt bad (physiological influence) on the inside as I had not accomplished what I was hoping for. However, based on what my team lead had mentioned and showed how she felt, that also made me feel as I had let her down. However, ultimately the three of us each missed what we were supposed to completely say, however since we didn't have much time to begin with, the person who asked us to come was pleased with our presentation (at least it looked like she was, I hope). I believe these two influences on emotions I am able to relate to more because with perceptual influences on emotions, "which is also called appraisal theory, mentions that subjective perceptions shape what external phenomena mean to us" (p.174). I don't think I can relate to this influence as much as I do with the other two influences. They are all good to be aware of though.

Internal Obstacles- Preoccupation

I have noticed that quite often whenever I am listening to someone not matter who it is, I tend to deal with an internal obstacle such as preoccupation which in accordance to our text is "when we are absorbed in our own thoughts and concerns, we can't focus on what someone else is saying" (Wood, 2010, pg.153). I found this concept to be very relatable, interesting, and helpful to keep in mind because this has happened to me either in conversations with friends and acquaintances or even when I have been in class. This more so happened to me in high school where my teacher would be lecturing and all of a sudden I would fall into my own train of thought and lose sight of what my teacher was talking about luckily I would always be taking notes however I was not actively listening at the same time. Another example was when my friend and I were talking about a similar scenario we both had experienced that was a nonverbal communication each from a male. We both had received a hug from a male and were unsure what that hug meant. When she was talking about this one time, it got me thinking of the similar situation I had been through and I started losing focus of what she was saying because I was too preoccupied with my own thoughts. I knew during that time I was not being mindful and fully listening to my friend so i have learned that no matter what I may be thinking, to keep my thoughts for after someone is talking to so I can give them my full and undivided attention into what they are discussing because I want to be a more mindful listener.

Listen.org-What I learned

Based off of listen.org and reading about "Listening is a 10 Part Skill", I learned ten new ideas or parts that can help lead to better and more effective listening. I never realized until I read this article that even the fortune 500 companies value listening skills in employers since nowadays we tend to lack that common ground when it comes to listening. We are too preoccupied thinking of what to say next, that we forget or tune out what the other person next to is is talking about. That can be a challenge and a problem especially if we are being told to do something or are told valuable or pertinent information and end up nor remembering it. I felt that all ten parts were all important and I learned something new from each of them.

I thought number 1 on finding area of interest is a very valid point when it comes to listening because a conversation is a two way street, and although sometimes it may be hard to find something in common all the time when in a discussion however it is important if we know a certain area of interest will lead the other not to be a more attentive or effective listener, it is a good idea to choose a topic we know will keep the listener engaged. I also re-learned that we need to judge content, not delivery because not everybody is perfect and sometimes our nerves get the best of us, so it is important to be more aware of the content the individual is discussing. I thought hold your fire is great advice for anyone because we tend to get overexcited over someone's statement, however we first need to make sure we fully comprehend what they are stating before we say anything. I felt the part I could relate to the most and helped me to keep in mind for future reference is number ten which is capitalize on thought speed. There are times I feel I am thinking so fast and whatever comes out of my mouth, is not what I had hoped to say because I had rather thought what I wanted to say through. It is important as the site mentioned that we can use our thought speed to advantage and use it to help with understanding what is being stated by the other person. There are different ways to go about this as also mentioned on the site however one that stood out to me is to mentally summarize what the person has been saying and what point have they tried to make if they have yet? Overall, I found this site and article to be very interesting and helpful because there were things mentioned that I tend to overlook as a listener. I Becoming a better listener is something that is in the process for me, and this article offered some insight on how to become a more effective listener.

Nonlistening

Out of the six types of nonlistening, the one I found in common with my communication is monopolizing which is when as the text states, "continuously focusing communication on ourselves instead of listening to the person who is talking" (Wood, 2010, pg.157). I do not partake in this part of nonlistening all the time or even half of the time. I just felt this type of nonlistening was the most common form of communication I have. There are times when a friend or acquaintance or a family member are talking to me about something going on and when they ask for advice or what I think, I divert the attention or the example to my own life so it will help me to help them. However, sometimes when I partake in this I feel as if I am diverting the attention to myself instead of to that person. A prime example of when this form of communication happened was when I ran into an acquaintance for the first time of this fall semester. When I ran into them to when we parted, I was the one doing basically all of the talking. I had no idea what had gotten into me. When he wanted to ask me something, I did not even let him talk. I felt horrible afterwards because I do usually talk a lot however not where I dominate the entire conversation. Looking back, I wish I had just stopped, taken a deep breath, let him talk, then I talk so the conversation would have been a two way street instead of one. My plan to overcome and fix the type of nonlistening I engage in is to whenever I am involved in an conversation, to not think of the next thing to say when someone else is talking. I will just listen, give them my full attention, make sure I heard the message they were getting across fully, then respond if they ask or when they finish talking. This especially refers to that same person I completely monopolized the conversation with. If and when I see him on campus again or wherever I see him if I do, I will make sure I don't do all the talking, that I show I care by listening to what he has to say. I am not sure why however with this person in particular out of anyone else out there, whenever I see them I do most of the talking and I barely let him talk then afterwards I feel bad I did not let him talk. That is something I would like to work on and plan on changing. I have also interrupted a conversation to divert the attention to me before however I did not mean so. I meant to share an example of my personal story to help the other person's story to be relatable. Overall, all of the six types/form of nonlistening are all imperative to be aware of and if I ever catch myself partaking in anyone of them besides monopolizing, I will do my best to make a plan to fix that habit and to become a better listener.

Language Can Totalize

A concept I found interesting and helpful from this week's reading in Chapter 4 was that language can totalize. According to the text, totalizing happens when we respond to a person as if one thing or label completely represents who he or she is. We tend to look at that person, as that one thing defines comepltely who they are. This can relate to culture, sexual orientation, status. For example, as the text mentioned some individuals tend to totalize gay men and lesbians as if that was the main thing that made up their identities. "Totalizing is not the same as stereotyping. When we stereotype someone, we define him or her in terms of characteristics of a group. When we totalize others, we negate most of who they are by focusing on a single aspect of their identity" (Wood, 2010, pg.104-105). Another example of totalizing someone could be if they are a certain race such as Middle Eastern and because they may be of Muslim faith and they are at an airport, airport security will automatically search them more than anyone else because their culture is known as being terrorists since the 9/11 incident. Even though that may not even be true about that person.

Hate Speech

According to the Free Speech Museum's Hate Speech page, hate speech can be defined as a racist and anti-Semetic speech and is protected under the First Amendment. There is no exception for the hate speech under the First Amendment unless it fits under "libel, obscenity, or fighting words" then it can receive the same guarantee as any other speech according to the site. According to the site, Canada, Great Britain, Germany, and other Western democracies ban hate speech. Although a luxury and guarantee being an American citizen is freedom of speech, that does not mean we should use speech as a form of hatred. We are given the privilege of freedom of speech so we can speak our minds, and to vote. I also believe hate speech should not be allowed on the Web,however it is hard to censor that, so I believe it should be monitored by the government or an agency so hate speeches can be kept to a minimum as much as possible. So I believe we should censor hate speech because although the question of it violating our constitutional right to freedom of speech however at the same time, hate speech could make others feel they are not safe or they are being harmed which crosses the boundaries of freedom of speech because others are being put in danger. A less formal to reduce hate speech would be to question those who are provoking hate speech as to why do they feel that way and feel they should express it in those terms.

Metaphors

Over the years I would say the best way and metaphor to describe how our society is shaped is through the melting pot where the differences between everyone ends up melting down and starts to unify. However, times have changed where diversity is more recognized however, at the same time since due to all the wars and the downfall of the economy, the melting pot is wiping out differences and not respecting each individual. So I would say the metaphor I propose would be Reverend Jesse Jackson's as referring to the United States as a rainbow and a family quilt because the United States is all about freedom, and power, and all cultures coming together and making up America. A family quilt is something people are proud of, it makes up their family, recognizes their similarities and differences and embraces each individual which is what the United States is about, and it is what it stands for. Since our society has also become more liberal over the past few years, referring to our society as a rainbow makes most sense as well because a rainbow is beautiful with different colors not just one. Same goes with our society. We're all not the same, we each are different and all have something to contribute to our society.

Self-Disclosure

I found the concept self-disclosure from this week's chapter to be interesting and helpful because through self-disclosure which reveals information about ourselves that others may not be able to find out on their own, is an imperative way for us to learn more about ourselves. As the text mentions, as we disclose information about ourselves such as our goals, our hopes, dreams, our fears, we gain a whole new perspective and insight based on how others react and respond to us. There is a model in the text on page 57 which is called The Johari Window which shows a a square(window) with four smaller squares within them. There is the open area which is known to others and known to self. There is the blind area which is known to others but unknown to self. There is the hidden area which is unknown to others and known to self, and there is the unknown area which is unknown to others and also unknown to self. This window helps shows how we portray and convey ourselves to others which can help those around us to understand what we are like, or it can blind them and even our self because what may be unknown to others, can me known to ourselves. However, if we are either afraid to show others other sides of us because we are afraid to disclose information about ourselves that can either hinder others from getting to know the real us or sometimes it is best for us to disclose minimal information about ourselves depending on who we will be disclosing the information to and what the information is about.

Race

Race is known and considered to be the main aspect that makes up one's personal identity. The most common race that is (historically) favored and "privileged" is the Caucasian race. Although our nation has become diverse over the year, white privilege still exists. Beyond the United States, according to the text, race is classified in South Africa as white, colored, and black. It is especially hard to classify race if someone is part white, black, Latin, etc. Race can sometimes be a good way to classify people and others not. I believe it depends on the individual. For example, I know of people who are a little bit of everything so they refer to themselves as "mutts." There is also someone who may be African American and half Caucasian, in that case they are a mix of two totally different cultures. I think the Census Bureau should create a box where if someone is of multiple races and/ethnicity's, that they can leave a line and mention what they are, so that they are being counted for all that they are. For example, I am Middle Eastern, and according to most documents, we don't have our own box since there aren't too many of us, so we are considered "other." I wish that can be reconsidered and there should be a box made for us to check that we are not just other, so we feel we actually count for something.

A Day in the Life of a 20 year old

Being a 20 year old now has changed over the past twenty to forty years. Our societal values, expectations, goals, actions, attitudes, and what is considered appropriate and inappropriate have also changed over the past few generations as well.

When I talked to a woman who is 20 years older than me she mentioned when she was twenty years old, she was expected to be responsible, polite, to go to school, get a job, to help out with her family, to respect her elders, to take care of her financial needs so if she wanted a car, she had to buy it herself. What was considered inappropriate for males and females was that girls don't dress provocatively, had to act and dress lady like and males were expected to act like gentlemen no matter where they were or who they were with. When I talked to a male that is 20 years older than me he mentioned that the main thing males and females were expected to be like was independent meaning having a job to make enough money to move out and be on their own. Males were looked down upon if they were still living at home when they were twenty. He stated what was considered inappropriate for males and females was the dress code. Such as tattoos and piercings were looked down upon.

When I talked to a woman who is 40 years older than me she mentioned when she was twenty years old she was expected to go to school, to get a job, to be responsible, to be polite, to respect her elders, to not get pregnant at a young age, or to not drink alcohol or do drugs since those were considered inappropriate behaviors for males and females to engage in. When I talked to a male that is 40 years older than me, he mentioned what was expected of males and females when he was twenty was to go to college, to do something with your life, to get a job, get married and to have kids and to stay out of trouble. What was considered inappropriate for males and females was to do drugs and have sexual encounters however although since there were not as many "new" drugs and all the viruses 40 years ago as there are now, if people engaged in drugs, alcohol, and sexual encounters, it was not as looked down upon as it is today. What was also considered inappropriate was to be a criminal, and to dodge the draft.

Compared to today, at twenty years old, males and females are expected to go to college, work, earn a degree to get a even better job, to not get married at a young age and have kids when you are financially stable, to not do drugs and drink alcohol excessively. Drugs are especially looked down upon and considered inappropriate today because there are so many more and new drugs that cause people to engage in illegal activity and so many young adults are sexually active and we're in the era where AIDS is becoming more common, in comparison to forty years ago, AIDS was not as common, and was just being discovered. Today females and males are still expected to be polite, and responsible for their actions, however parents are more lenient on being independent meaning they don't all plan to kick their kids out when they turn 18 because they don't want their kids to suffer like they did. At twenty tears old, we are considered an adult by paper, and are expected to act like one, however what is expected of a twenty year old today, has changed from what was expected from a twenty year old twenty to forty years ago. I felt when I was interviewing/asking each individual these questions, hearing what they said, made me appreciate my life and my parents even more.

Interesting Concept

A concept that I found interesting from this chapter was under the principle of interpersonal communication, which is "principle 1 :"we cannot not communicate" (Wood, 2010, pg.18). I found this concept not only to be interesting however helpful and good to be aware of because the whole idea of interpersonal communication is to not stop communicating. When in any type of relationship, if the parties involved do not communicate, or are inconsistent on their communication, then that could lead to conflict. Sometimes we may not even realize that we are communicating, since there is a difference between verbal and nonverbal communication. Either way, when individuals are together, they are always communicating one way or another. Communication is the key in any successful relationship. When people are communicating with each other, they are letting the other know how they feel, or what they are thinking, so that the other is aware of what is taking place. That is why I found this concept from this chapter to be interesting and helpful because interpersonal communication is about the process of how individuals interact and create meanings and build on that to form whatever relationship they may be in.

I-You to I-Thou

A relationship I have had with one of my best friends first started off as an I-You relationship where we knew each other from church, our families were close however we did not really hang out that much, or communicate too much. We never really communicated on a deep level, meaning we talked about general things how life was and all, however nothing too specific. We had not built that trust and bond good friends or those we feel close to would share with each other. We avoided talking about how we really felt about the things that were going on in our daily lives. We just stuck through with being friends who see each other and interact with one another when we can,however we never really knew how much we could trust each other. Our current relationship is now an I-Thou because we always acknowledge either by text, online chat, phone conversations mainly and can tell each other basically anything. We laugh together, we tell each other what's on our minds, we talk about things that only we both can understand how the other feels about something or someone. We accept each other for who we are and embrace it. I know I can count on her to give me advice on things and vice versa. Earlier we were talking about an encounter I had with someone the day before and we kept trying to figure out when we both would be free to talk because she wanted to hear what had happened. I noticed how much she cared for something that didn't really matter. She cared so much because she knew it mattered to me. I have noticed over time, our friendship has grown because we have grown as individuals and realized we have more in common that we thought. We were never not close until today because we had differences in my own and her shared field of experience, it was more because we did not know or think we had so much in common. Today, we both look back at how much we have grown, and how our friendship grew closer over time without us seeing it coming.

Linear Models vs Interactive Models

Whenever I hear or think of the term linear, I think of something being one-way as the text mentioned. The linear model of communication as stated and showed in the text on page 17, discusses how the information source which is the message, is then the transmitter which consists of a signal which then becomes the received signal which then leads to the receiver(receiving the message) the outcome being the destination. However, then part of the revised model, noise is added to the model which is anything that can cause a disruption in a signal being received. Then there is the sender(send the message) to the receiver. Linear models portray communication "as flowing in only one direction-from a sender to a passive receiver"(Wood, 17). The problem in this model is that according to the text, it is implying that the listeners never send messages and they absorb "passively" what the speakers say which is not always true. An example of a linear model of communication could be when a friend and I were having coffee and she was talking about what was going on in my life, and I would to just sit there and listen and not move a muscle which is not always true. Usually as a listener we do make certain gestures such as nodding or saying "mhmm" to show we are hearing what the sender is saying.

An interactive model shows how the process of communication is how listeners provide feedback, which is the response to the message according to the text. Interactive models also imply that people communicating create and interpret messages within their personal field of experience(s) that they may have. The more individuals have commons fields of interest, the better they can understand each other. The less they do, then that could lead to conflict or misunderstandings. An example of an interactive model of communication is if a friend and I were on a walk and we were sharing what was going on in each of our lives, she shares her story and I share mine and within both of our conversations, we each exchange some form of communication to show we are receiving the message and that the sender of the message was being heard. The thing that both models do not mainly capture is that no matter who is involved in communication, both parties engage in sending and receiving messages because they are communicating amongst one another.

Introductory Post

Hey everyone!

My name is Mary aka Little Miss Daisy, I am in my fourth year at SJSU and am a Communication Studies major. I am looking forward to this upcoming semester and getting to know all of you. I have taken quite a few online classes so far through this major and love it. I feel taking online classes teaches us discipline, responsibility, consistency, organizational, and time management skills. I always suggest by staying on top of the class schedule and keeping track of each assignment(s) due each week.

What I hope to learn from this course is more on communication and human relationships and how to learn to understand communication when it comes to all the different relationships we have or may come across in our daily lives.

A little about me... I am a big SF Giants fan and love baseball (it's my favorite sport). I love being around my family and friends, and walking as well.

Looking forward to this upcoming semester!

~little miss daisy