Experiencing Love or Commitment in a Relationship

I personally have never been in a relationship just because I have not met someone who I feel can and will be willing to handle me, and understand me, and we have similar interests, plus be committed as well. I will however, use an example of one of my good friend's past relationships where commitment was present, however love was not. My friend was with a guy for almost four years, and they had a lot in common, their relationship seemed great, they both were family oriented which is very important to both of them. However as the fourth year approached, my friend noticed that her and her boyfriend were distant, that they were arguing more than they used to, that whatever spark they had, was gone, and that she felt his distance lead to him not caring and loving her anymore. She ended up breaking up with him because of all their disagreements especially ones that involved their families plus she suspected he cheated on her. She found out a few months later, he never cheated on her, however his love for her, was no longer there, and vice versa.According to our text on styles of loving, my friend and her boyfriend experienced the secondary style of love pragma which means practical love. Which means "pragmatic lovers have clear criteria for partners, such as religious affiliation, career, and family background" (Wood, 2010, pg.281). My friend and her boyfriend ended up becoming in a relationship because they had those things in common, and they ended up going to the same college for a few years as well. However, those things they had in common are also what made them grow apart, and their love for one another, to grow apart as well.

What I can conclude on the impact of each is that although commitment can be linked to love, it is not the same thing as love. As the text also mentions. Love is a feeling based on all the time and effort we put into someone. For example, one of my other good friend's has been in a relationship with a guy for almost a year now, and if it was not for her love for him, they would no longer be together. They have broken up a few times, however it did not last for more than two days because they both really care and love each other. They are both also committed to the relationship, however she feels at times, she is putting more effort into their relationship, and is more committed than he is. Love and commitment are two important things in a relationship, without one, I do not think a relationship will be able to last. I feel and believe both are needed to have a functional relationship. That is why I have never been in a relationship because I have not met a guy yet who I feel both ways we can be committed to each other and also love each other. I find both qualities imperative for relationship to work and be successful.

Deception and Misrepresentation in Online or Face-to-Face Interaction

Since the 21st century has been around, there has been a rise of online romances because there are matchmaking sites that are growing daily. From eHarmony, to match.com, people are meeting, mingling, and falling in love, more often from online communication versus face-to-face interaction. Nowadays, people may be shy to go on blind dates or pick up someone at a bar. So individuals who are looking for love, use the internet to try to meet a potential mate for either themeselves or their friends. However, the disadvantages of online communication versus face-to-face communication is that someone's identity may not be what they may be claimed to be, for example a man may be posing to be a female, or a female a male. Another disadvantage or deception and misrepresentation can be that people can use outdated photos or photos of other people and they may also lie about their sex, race, and other forms of identity according to our text on page 278. In face-to-face interaction, people are able to see someone in person and they will know for sure what their race is, their sex, unless it is hard to tell, however online we may never know if someone is lying or not unless we conduct a credit and background check on them. Also as the text also mentions, it is hard to judge some aspects of chemistry without meeting face-to-face.

I do not think it is ethical for people to represent themselves inaccurately because they are deceiving people. However, it depends how they are misrepresenting themselves. If they are using outdated pictures of themselves or someone else's picture, then I do not think that is ethical at all. They are lying to the other person and are deceiving them. I think deception is likely to happen in both online and in face-to-face interaction, however I would say it most likely occurs more in online interaction because people can lie about their age, sex, etc. Rather in person, people cannot lie about those things since we are able to see them, in person they can lie about their job, or their lifestyle, and people can also lie about those in online interaction as well.

Role-Limited Interaction

A concept I found interesting and helpful in this week's reading was role-limited interaction which is when we might meet someone and we may become friends or acquaintances however due to not being able to see them often, we are unable to establish much of a bond with that individual. We are polite to one another however we "do not have enough personal knowledge of each other to engage in dual perspective, they tend to rely on general scripts and stereotypes" (Wood, 2010, pg.260). An personal example of a role-limited interaction is that there is this guy that I have known of for a little over two years now since he transferred here to state and he is about to graduate this fall. I have seen him a few times each semester on campus and when we see each other, we give each other a hug and have a conversation that lasts no longer than a few minutes. I know of him because he played on a sports team here that I help out with their events they have over the year and I have ran into him at those as well. We talk online here and there as well, however we still do not have each other's numbers, have never hung out, yet as the years have progressed, when we see each other, we are more comfortable around one another and we talk online more than we did a year ago. I have mentioned to hang before however since he commutes from a city that is about 15 minutes away and is on campus twice a week, and the days I do not have school, our schedules conflict, so it is hard to see each other. Our interaction with each other is limited. I am not sure if this is a hopeless situation or not. I would like to get to know him better, however am not sure if that is possible also if he would be willing to make the time as well.

Trust, Acceptance, and Closeness

I have a few very close/ best friends. I used to think that there is that one best friend and a few very close ones, however as I have gotten older, I feel I don't just have that one best friend, I have two to three best friends. All three I have known for a different amount of time. The one I have known the longest, our frendship has developed over time, especially when we entered college because we both grew up. However, the friendship I want to discuss further is with a girl I met last fall when she transferred to state, and we have been best friends ever since. This girl and I started talking in a class we had together last fall one in which she was not even in my major, she just needed the class as a requirement for her own major. We gradually got to know each other, and before we knew it, we were keeping in touch on a daily basis. We are able to be honest with each other, have a lot in common, we're like twins even though we don't seem like it. We both like different things, however we do have similar goals and aspirations and are both very motivated and persistent when it comes to going after what we want. We make sure we are always honest with each other, even if the other will not like the truth. One time she had done something that she thought would upset me however because she told me the truth, I was grateful that she did, and was not upset with her at all because I understood where she was coming from. How we build trust, acceptance, and closeness is by recognizing each other's differences and accepting and embracing it. We tell each other basically everything, how our day's went, what's going on in our lives? I tell her that anything and everything she ever discusses with me is not only confidential however it is also important because I value her as a person and her friendship. Good friends, especially best friends do not come easily in life, and when you find someone who understands you and you can tell them everything and anything, and you are able to trust them, and they accept you for who you are, and you are still able to remain close, that is a true friendship right there.

The dynamics of our friendship are consistent with those identified by researchers as discussed in this chapter such as when it comes emotional closeness through doing. For example, as the text states, "we reveal ourselves and learn about others by doing things together" (Wood, 2010, pg.254). When one of my best friend's and I first met and were getting to know each other (same girl I discussed above), the one thing we would do every week or every other week, is bake some type of dessert at her place and that washow we got closer,and bonded. There was and never is a dull moment. We always find something to laugh about, to talk about, to find more about. As the text also mentions, when it comes to acceptance, we expect friends to accept us, even for our flaws. We both accept each other for who we are and are patient with each other. However, we do tend to talk about how we have a hard time accepting how others in our lives act and are. Same goes with trust. We both rely on each other to be completely honest with each other and I noticed because we are honest and respect each other, that is how our friendship has developed because we are polite with each other as well. We are comfortable with each other however at the same time, we still make sure we use what our parent's taught us in form of manners, and by always each other, how they are doing, or we thank each other for asking how our days went. I believe it is important for all friendships and relationships to include closeness, acceptance, and trust because without either or one of these elements, a frienship or any other type of relationship, may be lacking a important quality that can help a friendship grow, and develop.

Friendship page vs. friendship discussed in text

Under the Friendship page, viewers are able to receive frienship advice, with topics such as problems with friends, making and keeping friends, friend needing support, and friendship discussion and ideas. There are also various topics such as more than friends advice where people can check and get clarifications on how to know if it is more than friends, on their sexuality, and relationship advice and there is also life advice offered as well. When it comes to the extent of the issues raised in the advice forum reflecting challenges to friendship discussed in the chapter, an example can be how in the forum under pressures with friends, there are different questions and concerns addressed such as if their losing their best friend, if there's an emotional distant friend, rekindling friendship with a girl if it is a male, etc.

A prime example of a comparison with the forum and the text is on pressures on friendships under sexual attraction. A male in the forum addresses his concerns about dating one of best female friends then they broke up, and they both mutually decided they were best as friends. He wants to surprise her with a video game she had been wanting and wasn't sure if it was cheesy or would be awkward or not. As the text suggests under sexual attraction, "sexual attraction can cause difficulty between friends. Friendships between heterosexual men and women or between gay men or lesbians often include sexual tensions" (Wood, 2010, pg.265). The challenge mentioned in the forum is that this male and female were at a party after their break up and they were back to being friends again and they were both having fun with each other and they missed old times. They looked at each other as brother and sister. The text states, that there is usually sexual tension between friends, or there could be, however with this friendship there is no longer sexual tension, it is just hard for these two because they are doing their best to rekindle their friendship and it seems as it is working.

Respond Constructively to Criticism

Under guidelines for creating and sustaining healthy climates, the concept I found interesting and helpful is respond constructively to criticism. In any relationship, there are positives and negatives. An event that could lead to tension and conflict in a relationship is when we criticize the other person. However, it is important to seek information when we are criticized, and to consider it thoughtfully as the text states. Usually when one is criticized for a certain behavior or action, they get defensive. That is why as the two constructive responses I mentioned above are crucial in leading us to respond constructively to criticism is very imperative. For example, I tend to be criticized for not being able to take a compliment. I love to give them, however when it comes to receiving them, I do not do so well so people have mentioned that to me before. The first few times I heard it, I was thinking that is semi true, and partly false. However, a few times more that I was criticized for it, it made me think twice. So now if that happens, I ask those who told me, if they can elaborate on why they feel that is a true and valid accusation they are stating and then I thank the individuals for helping me to improve myself and my habits. It is always to be aware of our habits and what bothers or may offend others we are around. Criticism is never an easy thing to go through or actually critique, however no one is perfect in life, so there is always room for improvement in everyone and everything. That is why I found this concept to be very helpful and interesting because I can use the knowledge from this concept in our text and apply it to my every day life.

Interaction Where Felt Disconfirmed or Defensive

I can think of a variety of interactions my freshman year of college when I lived with seven other girls and I felt disconfirmed or defensive or even both. The main interaction I can think of where I felt disconfirmed and defensive was when a few of my suitemates (roommates) were in a heated argument over something that was not even important and the three girls that were involved in it, brought be into it, when I had nothing to do with it. Turns out my own roommate who was trying to play the mediator of the argument, told me one of my other roommates had said all these negative and harsh comments about me about my friends and people I knew. I found out within a week that that the roommate who had talked to my friends and others about me had squewed the whole thing, and put words into the other individuals mouths just so she can make me feel bad. Going back to the heated argument, that same suitemate had accused me of something that I had not done, so I felt defensive because I also felt disconfirmed meaning she made me feel unimportant, and uncomfortable which led me to feeling defensive as well since I was on guard and not able to be open with my suitemates. The other girls were either attacking ot pretending to understand where I was coming from. At the end of the day, I came to the conclusion that these girls thrive on drama, and become jealous easily.

Under Gibb's defensiveness-producing communication behaviors, I believe I can identify as present in this situation are neutrality and superiority. I would say neutrality is one of the behaviors because I felt defensive when one of my suitemates was responding to me and the other girls in a neutral or detached manner as the text states. I felt she did not really care about how we felt, she cared to just hear all the drama going around and she would play the neutral one and she woould get information from both sides then tell each individual what she heard the other people saying about them. I would also say superiority took place as one of the behaviors as well because the girls who started all the drama and arguments felt that they were better than everyone else in the suite, as if they mattered more. I did not care they felt that way, it was just sometimes it was hard to not feel on guard when the girls were behaving in such a way.

Overall, I learned from this experience living with seven other girls, that when you put different people with different personalities to live in one place for a year, be prepared to have to learn to stick up for yourself and not let what other people say, dictate how you feel about yourself.