Trust, Acceptance, and Closeness

I have a few very close/ best friends. I used to think that there is that one best friend and a few very close ones, however as I have gotten older, I feel I don't just have that one best friend, I have two to three best friends. All three I have known for a different amount of time. The one I have known the longest, our frendship has developed over time, especially when we entered college because we both grew up. However, the friendship I want to discuss further is with a girl I met last fall when she transferred to state, and we have been best friends ever since. This girl and I started talking in a class we had together last fall one in which she was not even in my major, she just needed the class as a requirement for her own major. We gradually got to know each other, and before we knew it, we were keeping in touch on a daily basis. We are able to be honest with each other, have a lot in common, we're like twins even though we don't seem like it. We both like different things, however we do have similar goals and aspirations and are both very motivated and persistent when it comes to going after what we want. We make sure we are always honest with each other, even if the other will not like the truth. One time she had done something that she thought would upset me however because she told me the truth, I was grateful that she did, and was not upset with her at all because I understood where she was coming from. How we build trust, acceptance, and closeness is by recognizing each other's differences and accepting and embracing it. We tell each other basically everything, how our day's went, what's going on in our lives? I tell her that anything and everything she ever discusses with me is not only confidential however it is also important because I value her as a person and her friendship. Good friends, especially best friends do not come easily in life, and when you find someone who understands you and you can tell them everything and anything, and you are able to trust them, and they accept you for who you are, and you are still able to remain close, that is a true friendship right there.

The dynamics of our friendship are consistent with those identified by researchers as discussed in this chapter such as when it comes emotional closeness through doing. For example, as the text states, "we reveal ourselves and learn about others by doing things together" (Wood, 2010, pg.254). When one of my best friend's and I first met and were getting to know each other (same girl I discussed above), the one thing we would do every week or every other week, is bake some type of dessert at her place and that washow we got closer,and bonded. There was and never is a dull moment. We always find something to laugh about, to talk about, to find more about. As the text also mentions, when it comes to acceptance, we expect friends to accept us, even for our flaws. We both accept each other for who we are and are patient with each other. However, we do tend to talk about how we have a hard time accepting how others in our lives act and are. Same goes with trust. We both rely on each other to be completely honest with each other and I noticed because we are honest and respect each other, that is how our friendship has developed because we are polite with each other as well. We are comfortable with each other however at the same time, we still make sure we use what our parent's taught us in form of manners, and by always each other, how they are doing, or we thank each other for asking how our days went. I believe it is important for all friendships and relationships to include closeness, acceptance, and trust because without either or one of these elements, a frienship or any other type of relationship, may be lacking a important quality that can help a friendship grow, and develop.

Friendship page vs. friendship discussed in text

Under the Friendship page, viewers are able to receive frienship advice, with topics such as problems with friends, making and keeping friends, friend needing support, and friendship discussion and ideas. There are also various topics such as more than friends advice where people can check and get clarifications on how to know if it is more than friends, on their sexuality, and relationship advice and there is also life advice offered as well. When it comes to the extent of the issues raised in the advice forum reflecting challenges to friendship discussed in the chapter, an example can be how in the forum under pressures with friends, there are different questions and concerns addressed such as if their losing their best friend, if there's an emotional distant friend, rekindling friendship with a girl if it is a male, etc.

A prime example of a comparison with the forum and the text is on pressures on friendships under sexual attraction. A male in the forum addresses his concerns about dating one of best female friends then they broke up, and they both mutually decided they were best as friends. He wants to surprise her with a video game she had been wanting and wasn't sure if it was cheesy or would be awkward or not. As the text suggests under sexual attraction, "sexual attraction can cause difficulty between friends. Friendships between heterosexual men and women or between gay men or lesbians often include sexual tensions" (Wood, 2010, pg.265). The challenge mentioned in the forum is that this male and female were at a party after their break up and they were back to being friends again and they were both having fun with each other and they missed old times. They looked at each other as brother and sister. The text states, that there is usually sexual tension between friends, or there could be, however with this friendship there is no longer sexual tension, it is just hard for these two because they are doing their best to rekindle their friendship and it seems as it is working.

Respond Constructively to Criticism

Under guidelines for creating and sustaining healthy climates, the concept I found interesting and helpful is respond constructively to criticism. In any relationship, there are positives and negatives. An event that could lead to tension and conflict in a relationship is when we criticize the other person. However, it is important to seek information when we are criticized, and to consider it thoughtfully as the text states. Usually when one is criticized for a certain behavior or action, they get defensive. That is why as the two constructive responses I mentioned above are crucial in leading us to respond constructively to criticism is very imperative. For example, I tend to be criticized for not being able to take a compliment. I love to give them, however when it comes to receiving them, I do not do so well so people have mentioned that to me before. The first few times I heard it, I was thinking that is semi true, and partly false. However, a few times more that I was criticized for it, it made me think twice. So now if that happens, I ask those who told me, if they can elaborate on why they feel that is a true and valid accusation they are stating and then I thank the individuals for helping me to improve myself and my habits. It is always to be aware of our habits and what bothers or may offend others we are around. Criticism is never an easy thing to go through or actually critique, however no one is perfect in life, so there is always room for improvement in everyone and everything. That is why I found this concept to be very helpful and interesting because I can use the knowledge from this concept in our text and apply it to my every day life.

Interaction Where Felt Disconfirmed or Defensive

I can think of a variety of interactions my freshman year of college when I lived with seven other girls and I felt disconfirmed or defensive or even both. The main interaction I can think of where I felt disconfirmed and defensive was when a few of my suitemates (roommates) were in a heated argument over something that was not even important and the three girls that were involved in it, brought be into it, when I had nothing to do with it. Turns out my own roommate who was trying to play the mediator of the argument, told me one of my other roommates had said all these negative and harsh comments about me about my friends and people I knew. I found out within a week that that the roommate who had talked to my friends and others about me had squewed the whole thing, and put words into the other individuals mouths just so she can make me feel bad. Going back to the heated argument, that same suitemate had accused me of something that I had not done, so I felt defensive because I also felt disconfirmed meaning she made me feel unimportant, and uncomfortable which led me to feeling defensive as well since I was on guard and not able to be open with my suitemates. The other girls were either attacking ot pretending to understand where I was coming from. At the end of the day, I came to the conclusion that these girls thrive on drama, and become jealous easily.

Under Gibb's defensiveness-producing communication behaviors, I believe I can identify as present in this situation are neutrality and superiority. I would say neutrality is one of the behaviors because I felt defensive when one of my suitemates was responding to me and the other girls in a neutral or detached manner as the text states. I felt she did not really care about how we felt, she cared to just hear all the drama going around and she would play the neutral one and she woould get information from both sides then tell each individual what she heard the other people saying about them. I would also say superiority took place as one of the behaviors as well because the girls who started all the drama and arguments felt that they were better than everyone else in the suite, as if they mattered more. I did not care they felt that way, it was just sometimes it was hard to not feel on guard when the girls were behaving in such a way.

Overall, I learned from this experience living with seven other girls, that when you put different people with different personalities to live in one place for a year, be prepared to have to learn to stick up for yourself and not let what other people say, dictate how you feel about yourself.

Confirming Others

No one ever agrees one-hundred percent of the time with somebody else since we are all entitled to our own opinion and have our own ways of thinking. I will admit for me personally, I have never experienced on finding it difficult to confirm with others when I disagree with them because I understand people have their own opinions and we will never agree on everything, however we can usually find a middle ground. If and when I have disagreed with someone, I acknowledge their beliefs and opinions, and voice mine, however depending on the person, I usually try to understand where the other person is coming from and sometimes agree with their statement. However, if I would to ever experience having a hard time confirming with others when I disagree with them, reading this chapter has helped me distinguish between recognition, acknowledgment, and endorsement because I learned more in depth how to recognize that another person exists, to acknowledge of what another individual feels, thinks, or says, and to endorse which involves accepting another person's feelings or thoughts.

I do believe I can distinguish between confirming others as people and endorsing particular ideas because confirming has more to and relates to seeking if something stated is true and endorsement involves accepting another person's thoughts or feelings. They both can go hand in hand in any given situation however one has to do with the truth where the other has to do with accepting another individuals thoughts or feelings as I mentioned above.

Social Expectations

One of the concepts from this chapter that I found interesting and helpful was under obstacles to the effective communication of emotions and reasons why we may not express our emotions is because of social expectations. In society, men and women have this certain expectation when it comes to emotions and communicating them. Men for example are taught and learn from a young age that crying or showing they are sensitive makes them less of a man that it shows that they are weak. Women at a young age learn and are taught that being a female is all about showing and sharing emotions and how they feel however that they never want to be violent. Men on the other hand express their emotions through violence. Women are also known and expected to be the ones who care for everyone that they are the thoughtful ones. I thought this concept was good to be aware of because on a daily basis I experience or see how whether it is in the workforce or school or in public at a restaurant or coffee shop, men and women are expected to behave in terms of their emotions in a certain way and if they violate that norm then they are looked at in a different way and are usually looked down upon for doing so.

Taking responsibility for others

Of the Figure 7.7 on Common Fallacies about Emotions, I found that the fallacy that shows up in my intrapersonal communication is taking responsibility for others which according to the text is "thinking you are responsible for others' feelings, guilt for how others feel, and deprives others of taking responsibility for selves" (Wood, 2010, pg.189). I feel this fallacy shows up in my intrapersonal communication because in any relationship I have even with acquaintances or even in a professional setting I feel whenever something goes wrong or something negative occurs in something I am a part of, I feel it is my fault when really it was the other individuals fault and I just feel the need to take the blame. I also may feel guilty for how others feel without realizing I cannot control how someone else feels, only how I feel and think about something. An example of this fallacy was when I interning last semester for this organization and one time a fan made me feel it was my fault for something that occurred when really it was their fault. However, I took the approach on the inside that the customer is always right no matter what the case and we just have to suck it up and take the blame and try to make things right so the other person does not have to worry about taking responsibility for their actions and for selves. I believe I can monitor and revise my intrapersonal communication by knowing I am not always the one to blame such as having a guilt complex. I need to know we are all human which means people do make mistakes and that I need to not feel the need to take the blame for something that was not my fault and that people need to learn to start taking responsibility for selves.

Physiological and Social Influences on Emotions

I felt the combination of physiological and social influences on emotions make most sense to me because I am able to relate to both of these influences on emotions. For example, according to the text, "physiological influences are when we experience emotion when external stimuli cause physiological changes in us" (Wood, 2010, p.176). The example in the text is when we get a test back and we receive a low grade, we tend to get that knot in our stomach because that is our bodily reaction to psychologically feeling bad. Or when we like that cute girl or guy and we run into them and we completely blow it with them on a conversation, we have that feeling inside that we know we messed up and wish we got a second chance to do it over. Social influences on emotions mentioned in our text are the "groups we identify with emotional communities because they teach us how to understand and express emotions" (p.176). This leads into the interactive view of emotions which "proposes that social rules and understandings shape what people feel and how they do or don't express their feelings" (p.176).

I feel I can relate to physiological and social influences on emotions because they both have are what influence how I feel about people and situations I go through on a daily basis. For example, I experienced both last night when I was with a few members from my organization where we were at a mocktails event on alcohol awareness at a fraternity house. There were about 70 students there and I have spoken in front of that many people before however, never had to say as much as I was supposed to last night. When it came for my turn to speak which I only really had four minutes to get my point across, after I concluded my part, my team lead and I noticed I have forgotten to mention a few things. I felt during the whole fifteen minute presentation I thought all the students just couldn’t wait for us to leave, so I tried to get my information across in a timely manner, and I kind of froze when I started talking and didn’t get to mention everything I was planning on saying. Afterwards I felt bad (physiological influence) on the inside as I had not accomplished what I was hoping for. However, based on what my team lead had mentioned and showed how she felt, that also made me feel as I had let her down. However, ultimately the three of us each missed what we were supposed to completely say, however since we didn't have much time to begin with, the person who asked us to come was pleased with our presentation (at least it looked like she was, I hope). I believe these two influences on emotions I am able to relate to more because with perceptual influences on emotions, "which is also called appraisal theory, mentions that subjective perceptions shape what external phenomena mean to us" (p.174). I don't think I can relate to this influence as much as I do with the other two influences. They are all good to be aware of though.