Internal Obstacles- Preoccupation

I have noticed that quite often whenever I am listening to someone not matter who it is, I tend to deal with an internal obstacle such as preoccupation which in accordance to our text is "when we are absorbed in our own thoughts and concerns, we can't focus on what someone else is saying" (Wood, 2010, pg.153). I found this concept to be very relatable, interesting, and helpful to keep in mind because this has happened to me either in conversations with friends and acquaintances or even when I have been in class. This more so happened to me in high school where my teacher would be lecturing and all of a sudden I would fall into my own train of thought and lose sight of what my teacher was talking about luckily I would always be taking notes however I was not actively listening at the same time. Another example was when my friend and I were talking about a similar scenario we both had experienced that was a nonverbal communication each from a male. We both had received a hug from a male and were unsure what that hug meant. When she was talking about this one time, it got me thinking of the similar situation I had been through and I started losing focus of what she was saying because I was too preoccupied with my own thoughts. I knew during that time I was not being mindful and fully listening to my friend so i have learned that no matter what I may be thinking, to keep my thoughts for after someone is talking to so I can give them my full and undivided attention into what they are discussing because I want to be a more mindful listener.

Listen.org-What I learned

Based off of listen.org and reading about "Listening is a 10 Part Skill", I learned ten new ideas or parts that can help lead to better and more effective listening. I never realized until I read this article that even the fortune 500 companies value listening skills in employers since nowadays we tend to lack that common ground when it comes to listening. We are too preoccupied thinking of what to say next, that we forget or tune out what the other person next to is is talking about. That can be a challenge and a problem especially if we are being told to do something or are told valuable or pertinent information and end up nor remembering it. I felt that all ten parts were all important and I learned something new from each of them.

I thought number 1 on finding area of interest is a very valid point when it comes to listening because a conversation is a two way street, and although sometimes it may be hard to find something in common all the time when in a discussion however it is important if we know a certain area of interest will lead the other not to be a more attentive or effective listener, it is a good idea to choose a topic we know will keep the listener engaged. I also re-learned that we need to judge content, not delivery because not everybody is perfect and sometimes our nerves get the best of us, so it is important to be more aware of the content the individual is discussing. I thought hold your fire is great advice for anyone because we tend to get overexcited over someone's statement, however we first need to make sure we fully comprehend what they are stating before we say anything. I felt the part I could relate to the most and helped me to keep in mind for future reference is number ten which is capitalize on thought speed. There are times I feel I am thinking so fast and whatever comes out of my mouth, is not what I had hoped to say because I had rather thought what I wanted to say through. It is important as the site mentioned that we can use our thought speed to advantage and use it to help with understanding what is being stated by the other person. There are different ways to go about this as also mentioned on the site however one that stood out to me is to mentally summarize what the person has been saying and what point have they tried to make if they have yet? Overall, I found this site and article to be very interesting and helpful because there were things mentioned that I tend to overlook as a listener. I Becoming a better listener is something that is in the process for me, and this article offered some insight on how to become a more effective listener.

Nonlistening

Out of the six types of nonlistening, the one I found in common with my communication is monopolizing which is when as the text states, "continuously focusing communication on ourselves instead of listening to the person who is talking" (Wood, 2010, pg.157). I do not partake in this part of nonlistening all the time or even half of the time. I just felt this type of nonlistening was the most common form of communication I have. There are times when a friend or acquaintance or a family member are talking to me about something going on and when they ask for advice or what I think, I divert the attention or the example to my own life so it will help me to help them. However, sometimes when I partake in this I feel as if I am diverting the attention to myself instead of to that person. A prime example of when this form of communication happened was when I ran into an acquaintance for the first time of this fall semester. When I ran into them to when we parted, I was the one doing basically all of the talking. I had no idea what had gotten into me. When he wanted to ask me something, I did not even let him talk. I felt horrible afterwards because I do usually talk a lot however not where I dominate the entire conversation. Looking back, I wish I had just stopped, taken a deep breath, let him talk, then I talk so the conversation would have been a two way street instead of one. My plan to overcome and fix the type of nonlistening I engage in is to whenever I am involved in an conversation, to not think of the next thing to say when someone else is talking. I will just listen, give them my full attention, make sure I heard the message they were getting across fully, then respond if they ask or when they finish talking. This especially refers to that same person I completely monopolized the conversation with. If and when I see him on campus again or wherever I see him if I do, I will make sure I don't do all the talking, that I show I care by listening to what he has to say. I am not sure why however with this person in particular out of anyone else out there, whenever I see them I do most of the talking and I barely let him talk then afterwards I feel bad I did not let him talk. That is something I would like to work on and plan on changing. I have also interrupted a conversation to divert the attention to me before however I did not mean so. I meant to share an example of my personal story to help the other person's story to be relatable. Overall, all of the six types/form of nonlistening are all imperative to be aware of and if I ever catch myself partaking in anyone of them besides monopolizing, I will do my best to make a plan to fix that habit and to become a better listener.

Language Can Totalize

A concept I found interesting and helpful from this week's reading in Chapter 4 was that language can totalize. According to the text, totalizing happens when we respond to a person as if one thing or label completely represents who he or she is. We tend to look at that person, as that one thing defines comepltely who they are. This can relate to culture, sexual orientation, status. For example, as the text mentioned some individuals tend to totalize gay men and lesbians as if that was the main thing that made up their identities. "Totalizing is not the same as stereotyping. When we stereotype someone, we define him or her in terms of characteristics of a group. When we totalize others, we negate most of who they are by focusing on a single aspect of their identity" (Wood, 2010, pg.104-105). Another example of totalizing someone could be if they are a certain race such as Middle Eastern and because they may be of Muslim faith and they are at an airport, airport security will automatically search them more than anyone else because their culture is known as being terrorists since the 9/11 incident. Even though that may not even be true about that person.

Hate Speech

According to the Free Speech Museum's Hate Speech page, hate speech can be defined as a racist and anti-Semetic speech and is protected under the First Amendment. There is no exception for the hate speech under the First Amendment unless it fits under "libel, obscenity, or fighting words" then it can receive the same guarantee as any other speech according to the site. According to the site, Canada, Great Britain, Germany, and other Western democracies ban hate speech. Although a luxury and guarantee being an American citizen is freedom of speech, that does not mean we should use speech as a form of hatred. We are given the privilege of freedom of speech so we can speak our minds, and to vote. I also believe hate speech should not be allowed on the Web,however it is hard to censor that, so I believe it should be monitored by the government or an agency so hate speeches can be kept to a minimum as much as possible. So I believe we should censor hate speech because although the question of it violating our constitutional right to freedom of speech however at the same time, hate speech could make others feel they are not safe or they are being harmed which crosses the boundaries of freedom of speech because others are being put in danger. A less formal to reduce hate speech would be to question those who are provoking hate speech as to why do they feel that way and feel they should express it in those terms.

Metaphors

Over the years I would say the best way and metaphor to describe how our society is shaped is through the melting pot where the differences between everyone ends up melting down and starts to unify. However, times have changed where diversity is more recognized however, at the same time since due to all the wars and the downfall of the economy, the melting pot is wiping out differences and not respecting each individual. So I would say the metaphor I propose would be Reverend Jesse Jackson's as referring to the United States as a rainbow and a family quilt because the United States is all about freedom, and power, and all cultures coming together and making up America. A family quilt is something people are proud of, it makes up their family, recognizes their similarities and differences and embraces each individual which is what the United States is about, and it is what it stands for. Since our society has also become more liberal over the past few years, referring to our society as a rainbow makes most sense as well because a rainbow is beautiful with different colors not just one. Same goes with our society. We're all not the same, we each are different and all have something to contribute to our society.

Self-Disclosure

I found the concept self-disclosure from this week's chapter to be interesting and helpful because through self-disclosure which reveals information about ourselves that others may not be able to find out on their own, is an imperative way for us to learn more about ourselves. As the text mentions, as we disclose information about ourselves such as our goals, our hopes, dreams, our fears, we gain a whole new perspective and insight based on how others react and respond to us. There is a model in the text on page 57 which is called The Johari Window which shows a a square(window) with four smaller squares within them. There is the open area which is known to others and known to self. There is the blind area which is known to others but unknown to self. There is the hidden area which is unknown to others and known to self, and there is the unknown area which is unknown to others and also unknown to self. This window helps shows how we portray and convey ourselves to others which can help those around us to understand what we are like, or it can blind them and even our self because what may be unknown to others, can me known to ourselves. However, if we are either afraid to show others other sides of us because we are afraid to disclose information about ourselves that can either hinder others from getting to know the real us or sometimes it is best for us to disclose minimal information about ourselves depending on who we will be disclosing the information to and what the information is about.

Race

Race is known and considered to be the main aspect that makes up one's personal identity. The most common race that is (historically) favored and "privileged" is the Caucasian race. Although our nation has become diverse over the year, white privilege still exists. Beyond the United States, according to the text, race is classified in South Africa as white, colored, and black. It is especially hard to classify race if someone is part white, black, Latin, etc. Race can sometimes be a good way to classify people and others not. I believe it depends on the individual. For example, I know of people who are a little bit of everything so they refer to themselves as "mutts." There is also someone who may be African American and half Caucasian, in that case they are a mix of two totally different cultures. I think the Census Bureau should create a box where if someone is of multiple races and/ethnicity's, that they can leave a line and mention what they are, so that they are being counted for all that they are. For example, I am Middle Eastern, and according to most documents, we don't have our own box since there aren't too many of us, so we are considered "other." I wish that can be reconsidered and there should be a box made for us to check that we are not just other, so we feel we actually count for something.

A Day in the Life of a 20 year old

Being a 20 year old now has changed over the past twenty to forty years. Our societal values, expectations, goals, actions, attitudes, and what is considered appropriate and inappropriate have also changed over the past few generations as well.

When I talked to a woman who is 20 years older than me she mentioned when she was twenty years old, she was expected to be responsible, polite, to go to school, get a job, to help out with her family, to respect her elders, to take care of her financial needs so if she wanted a car, she had to buy it herself. What was considered inappropriate for males and females was that girls don't dress provocatively, had to act and dress lady like and males were expected to act like gentlemen no matter where they were or who they were with. When I talked to a male that is 20 years older than me he mentioned that the main thing males and females were expected to be like was independent meaning having a job to make enough money to move out and be on their own. Males were looked down upon if they were still living at home when they were twenty. He stated what was considered inappropriate for males and females was the dress code. Such as tattoos and piercings were looked down upon.

When I talked to a woman who is 40 years older than me she mentioned when she was twenty years old she was expected to go to school, to get a job, to be responsible, to be polite, to respect her elders, to not get pregnant at a young age, or to not drink alcohol or do drugs since those were considered inappropriate behaviors for males and females to engage in. When I talked to a male that is 40 years older than me, he mentioned what was expected of males and females when he was twenty was to go to college, to do something with your life, to get a job, get married and to have kids and to stay out of trouble. What was considered inappropriate for males and females was to do drugs and have sexual encounters however although since there were not as many "new" drugs and all the viruses 40 years ago as there are now, if people engaged in drugs, alcohol, and sexual encounters, it was not as looked down upon as it is today. What was also considered inappropriate was to be a criminal, and to dodge the draft.

Compared to today, at twenty years old, males and females are expected to go to college, work, earn a degree to get a even better job, to not get married at a young age and have kids when you are financially stable, to not do drugs and drink alcohol excessively. Drugs are especially looked down upon and considered inappropriate today because there are so many more and new drugs that cause people to engage in illegal activity and so many young adults are sexually active and we're in the era where AIDS is becoming more common, in comparison to forty years ago, AIDS was not as common, and was just being discovered. Today females and males are still expected to be polite, and responsible for their actions, however parents are more lenient on being independent meaning they don't all plan to kick their kids out when they turn 18 because they don't want their kids to suffer like they did. At twenty tears old, we are considered an adult by paper, and are expected to act like one, however what is expected of a twenty year old today, has changed from what was expected from a twenty year old twenty to forty years ago. I felt when I was interviewing/asking each individual these questions, hearing what they said, made me appreciate my life and my parents even more.

Interesting Concept

A concept that I found interesting from this chapter was under the principle of interpersonal communication, which is "principle 1 :"we cannot not communicate" (Wood, 2010, pg.18). I found this concept not only to be interesting however helpful and good to be aware of because the whole idea of interpersonal communication is to not stop communicating. When in any type of relationship, if the parties involved do not communicate, or are inconsistent on their communication, then that could lead to conflict. Sometimes we may not even realize that we are communicating, since there is a difference between verbal and nonverbal communication. Either way, when individuals are together, they are always communicating one way or another. Communication is the key in any successful relationship. When people are communicating with each other, they are letting the other know how they feel, or what they are thinking, so that the other is aware of what is taking place. That is why I found this concept from this chapter to be interesting and helpful because interpersonal communication is about the process of how individuals interact and create meanings and build on that to form whatever relationship they may be in.